For those of you that didn’t pick up on it, the title is a spin on a Mean Girls quote, which just proves my point even more.
I am slowly slipping into a category that I have avoided like the plague since the Pumpkin Spice Epidemic began. I am becoming, excuse the expression,
a basic bitch.
These thoughts have slowly been creeping into my brain over the past couple weeks but I’ve hidden them in the back of my mind like my own little Voldemort. It all started a couple Sundays ago when I caught my reflection in the screen of my MacBook. Sipping an iced black tea from Starbucks, Dre Beats headphones in. The horror continued as I found myself singing along to my friend Ashley’s One Direction hallway concerts and knowing the words to more than one song on Taylor Swift’s 1989 album.
This morning, however, was the last straw. I was blowdrying my hair and putting my face on before school and decided to listen to some music. Opened my YouTube app and picked one of the songs on the recommended list.
Bloody Justin Bieber – What Do U Mean.
The fact that the title of the song uses “U” instead of “You” should have been enough of a red flag, but I chose it anyway.
HELP ME, GOD, I KNOW THE WORDS.
And not just the words to the song, I know the ridiculous dialogue between Biebs and John Leguizamo in the opening scene.
“Make sure the girl doesn’t get hurt,” Sexy Justin demands as the rain pours down on him in the dark of the city street.
“You play with fire, you just might get burned,” Leguizamo says in a wonderfully badass yet frighteningly cliche way.
And later when Biebs and his flavour of the week are running hand in hand from these masked figures and open a door that only offers disappointing blackness and a 40 foot drop. He holds her close as she struggles to catch her breath and croons “Trust me. Do you trust me? Take my hand.” And they take the daring leap into the abyss, expecting a gory splatter onto the pavement waiting for them at the bottom. But they died together, and that’s all that matters. Heartwarming.
PLOT TWIST. It’s a party. Didn’t see that one coming.
WRITE MORE THAN FOUR LYRICS. STOP ASKING QUESTIONS. LESS STROBE LIGHTS. DON’T TAP YOUR FOREHEAD LIKE THAT. YOU JUMPED OUT OF A WINDOW TO IMPRESS A GIRL?! THAT CHICK IS PROBABLY TRAUMATIZED. RELIEVED AND HAPPY TO BE ALIVE, SURE, BUT TRAUMATIZED. WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON? JOHN LEGUIZAMO WHY ARE YOU INVOLVED? STICK TO YOUR OWN ENTOURAGE. OH LOOK, CALVIN KLEIN. AAHHHH!!!!
While I have yet to purchase white Converse sneakers or a Marc Jacobs purse, I am ashamed nonetheless.
I invite you to join me on my journey to Basicness and watch this video. Sing into your hairbrush like the Olsen twin you always hoped to be, and hate yourself afterward. Just as I did.