RAVE: Vacuums

Late night, can’t sleep, bowl of popcorn, and…nothing on TV.

EXCEPT THE GREATEST INFOMERCIALS KNOWN TO MAN.

HALF AN HOUR INTERVALS OF VACUUMS SLAYING DIRT AND GRIME LIKE PLUG-IN SAMURAIS.

DIRT DEVIL. SHARK. BISSELL. DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON DYSON.

As tempted as I am to continue this post in all capitals, I’ll calm down now.

Maybe it’s my low-key sprinkling of OCD, but there’s almost nothing I love more than the aggressive crackling of ice cream sprinkles being sucked up by the anti-static carbon fibre filaments of an $800.00 vacuum.

I would pay $800.00 just to have a well dressed british man come to my house and dump coffee grinds all over my carpet as long as I could watch him clean it up.

There’s literally a vacuum from Bissell called the Homecare Zing. If that doesn’t sound like the most exciting Saturday night of your life then just get the hell out of my face.

Nothing is messier than hungry babies, drunk girls, or rambunctious pets, but even these menaces are no match for a dual chamber badass like the Hoover WindTunnel Bagless Upright.

Oh, you’re married to Disaster Dad from the Bounty commercials who can’t pour a glass of juice over a tile floor or supervise a birthday party to save his life? AIN’T SHIT. GET OUT YOUR DIRT DEVIL EASY STEAM EXPRESS II AND SHOW HIS ASS UP.

I could (…and do) watch vacuum infomercials for hours on end. I don’t even care that they only clean the middle strip of the mess and nothing else. That middle strip is clean enough to rub your newborn baby’s face into and not worry about a single dust mite crawling up their nose.

90% of you are probably thinking “simple minds, simple pleasures” but you guys can just SHUT THE HELL UP.

The other 10% of you, of whom I can only assume are mothers or Sheldon Cooper types, take a damn nap today so you can cozy up on the couch tonight between 2:00 and 4:00 a.m. and have your mind blown.

Here’s a sample to get you through the rest of your day.

TALK TO ME, DAN WHEELER.

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