I know you’re all wondering what kind of self-destructive asshole likes hangovers, but after reading this I promise you will reconsider.
Actually, I can’t promise that. Most of you will probably still think I’m looney toons, but if you’ve been keeping up with my blog then I haven’t got much to lose.
The way I see it, there are five stages to every good hangover.
1. Still Drunk
Cherish this. Pop two (or four) ibuprofen and chug water until your blue in the face. If you can chase the hangover away before it attacks then you’ll be golden for the rest of the day.
Your head will get a little foggy, your hearing will falter, your eyes will hurt, your mouth feels like a bag of cats, and you may be cranky. Fear not, this stage will pass quickly. Just let it happen then get the hell over it.
Another shitty stage. You’ll probably feel like you’ll projectile vomit if you eat anything, but eat something. Your tummy is angry and needs some comfort and if you toss back a couple hash browns you’ll feel better almost immediately.
4. The Giggles
THE BEST PART. Everything is hilarious. You’re tired, you’re whiny, you probably stink (usually I smell like someone emptied a vacuum on me), and it takes basically nothing to make you laugh. I’ve laugh-cried for like fifteen minutes at a sneeze from someone in line behind me at the grocery store. Drag this stage out as long as you can because I can assure you it will be the best part of your day.
5. The Crash
It sucks, but it’s inevitable. Nurse it. Have a fourth nap, doze in and out while watching the Food Network, whatever you need. The most important thing to remember is to get yourself home before The Crash. if I had a dollar for every time I dozed off in an A&W booth I’d be driving a way nicer car. The only cool thing is is that you could probably, like, lay down in the bakery at Sobeys and when someone confronted you you could just say “I’M HUNGOVER” and they would probably just leave you alone (just a theory, don’t test this).
Welcome every stage with open arms and it will be over before you know it.
I’m gonna take you through a Morning-After Survival Guide on how to enjoy your hangover, just in time for the holiday season.
- Wake up in the morning, still half cranked if you’re lucky. Go wake up your less fortunate friends (who are already feeling the effects of last night) by opening all the blinds and jumping on the bed.
- Harass the shit out of them. They will be angry with you for a maximum of 28 minutes and it’s great for a laugh. Tickle them, play aggressive techno, lick their faces, put ice cubes in their ears, whatever you can think of. Get creative.
- After you tire yourself out, take a nap.
- Wake up again and suggest going for breakfast. I recommend Jonesy’s in East St. Paul, but whatever’s closest to you is fine. (And if you do go to Jonesy’s, get a water with 3 lemon wedges and a double gin caesar with extra beans)
- Chaos will ensue. No one will be able to decide what to order, someone will spill their drink, there will be salt everywhere, someone will forget to say “no tomatoes,” someone else won’t be able to stop gagging, and you will most likely annoy everyone in the restaurant. Be sure to tip your server VERY well because I can guarantee she will despise you by the end of the meal. **ALTERNATIVE OPTION: Skip breakfast and call Jonsey’s and order poutine for pick up. Takes them 10-15 minutes to make.**
- After you’ve eaten, go home and SLOTH. Watch Netflix for nine hours, annoy the shit out of your parents, force your pet into a struggle snuggle, melt into the couch and enjoy your day.
- Be proud of yourself.
*If you have time, lay down in the shower for a while. You’ll smell better and you’ll feel awesome.
Did I change your attitude on hangovers? Next time you wake up expecting a rough day think of this guide (and of me) and try to change it around. Let me know how it works out.
HAPPY HANGOVERS, FRIENDS!
Slothing with Kate one rough Sunday morning in Washington.