Okay so Kate and I were driving down Corydon the other day just hanging out, listening to some tunes, running some errands, you know, the usual, when all of a sudden she starts yelling.
“SERIOUSLY. WHY. ANOTHER ONE. ARE YOU KIDDING. WOW. STUPID.”
She threw her hands in the air in disgust, just barely missing my temple and nearly causing me to swerve into oncoming traffic in an attempt to avoid blunt force trauma of the noggin. So, naturally, I began yelling as well.
“KATE WTF WATCH THE MITS IM DRIVING HERE WHAT’S YOUR DEAL.”
“ANOTHER VACUUM STORE. ARE YOU KIDDING.”
This is a real concern. No offence vacuum guys, but you’re clearly wasting everyone’s time. It’s not even like there’s nice shiny Dyson’s in the front (y’all know how I feel about Dyson’s) it’s just a line up of eerie bags that could swallow you whole and cords that could come back from the dead and wrap around your neck at any moment.
All the stores also have large windows in the front which, normally, would be inviting and a great way to display your products, but instead it’s just an awkward glimpse into a graveyard of sad appliances. Also, you’re trying to sell me a vacuum and your entire shop is so covered in dust I’m half expecting Indiana Jones to swing through those big dirty windows followed closely by a large boulder that will graciously run me over and hopefully end the violent asthma attack I am so clearly having because OF ALL THE DAMN DUST.
Has anyone ever seen a single person in one of these stores? I can think of at least 4 different locations and they have been 100% empty every single time I’ve driven past (lights on though, don’t wanna seem too spooky.) I’ve come to the conclusion that they’re either a front for some sort of illegal activity or there’s like a Beauty and the Beast retirement home edition thing going on and that’s where all the outdated cleaning homies go before the inevitable BFI bin clangs loudly on their heads. You know, like Florida.
If anyone has any inside information on these vacuums stores, feel free to let me know. (Even if it’s some highly illegal shit like game show host wrestling matches or selling cowboy boots off the blackmarket or trading limited edition Hercules Happy Meal toys from 1997 for burnt copies of Regina George’s Japanese car commercials.)
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD JUST TELL ME.