RANT: Dawdlers & Other Slow People That Piss Me Off

Confession: I am chronically late.

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Not by much, mind you, but usually by 5-10 minutes. My dad is rolling his eyes right now cause he knows this is true and if I can admit it then why the hell can’t I fix it???

I don’t know why, DAD.

Regardless of how early I wake up, how much I prepare, or how many lies I tell myself about the time my day actually starts (“okay dinner is at 5:30, Ky, so let’s just pretend it’s at 5”)(and yeah, sometimes my day starts at dinner) I still end up being late.

This, in turn, leads to my deep frustration (and by frustration I mean RAGE) with other people who are not chronically late nor have any consideration for those who are.

I was walking to my car today to grab my purse before meeting some homies at King’s Head for a beer and got stuck behind the

SLOWEST.

HUMAN.

EVER.

Seriously, you guys, this dude did not give a shit about anything. Backpack hangin’ so low on his arms he looked like a superhero bully tied his superhero cape into a knot behind his back. Elbows borderline touching.

Dude had on some jeans that were waaaay too long for his average length legs and some beat up converse with the laces flopping around like cooked spaghetti. People think I don’t give a shit? THIS DUDE DID NOT GIVE A SHIT. He was dragging his feet so hard his footprints looked like he was cross-country skiing down William.

I half jogged behind this freaking PENGUIN for an entire block waiting for a convenient time to pass him, but it never came. I literally had to hop the fence into the parking lot to get away from this slop-tart (it’s like a foot and a half high but it’s up a hill and shit so it’s still a task). Really it took about four minutes out of my day but COME ON, MAN.

Another pain in the ass is people that talk slow. Well, not really talk slow, just take a long ass time to tell a story.

“And theeenn….”

“And theeennn…”

“OMG and theennnn…..”

HOLY MOSES. YOU LOST MY ATTENTION LIKE 4 MINUTES AGO. THIS STORY IS LONGER THAN A CURLING GAME. YOU DON’T EVEN HAVE A PUNCH LINE. STOP GETTING DISTRACTED. I HAVE TO PEE. OR GO TO CLASS. OR GO TO WORK. OR DO LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE BESIDES LISTEN TO THIS STORY. I WOULD RATHER DO A GROUP AB WORKOUT THAN PRETEND TO CARE FOR ONE MORE MINUTE. I COULD HAVE TOLD THIS STORY IN UNDER MINUTE. ACTUALLY, NO. LESS. ZERO TIME AT ALL BECAUSE THIS IS A TERRIBLE STORY THAT IS SO BORING AND DUMB THAT I WOULDN’T TELL IT IN THE FIRST PLACE.

I know I’m being insensitive but, y’know, what else is new.

Just a couple things to remember:

1. Walking down the street?

I’M IN A HURRY.

2. Driving literally anywhere?

I’M IN A HURRY.

3. At the mall on December 23? Or ever?

I’M IN A HURRY.

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Pretty much the only time I’m not in a hurry is on like a cloudy Sunday in bed watching The Office or That 70s Show or a rom com or napping or ordering $50 of Italian food or cuddling a dog.

And I’ll bet you 3 speeding tickets that I’m staying out of your damn way.

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