RANT: Pure Nonsense

“Bite the bullet.” – Or don’t. Are you getting shot in the face and have the reflexes and timing of a ninja on cocaine? Probably not, so don’t try this. This is the Get Rich Or Die Trying version of the shoot-an-arrow-through-this-apple-on-my-head. Just stupid.

“Blood is thicker than water.” – Okay I know this means that family comes first, but why is everyone else water? My friends are definitely wine. Or gin. Or beer. Rarely water. Also the image of thick blood is super narsty so it’s a no from me.

“Cat got your tongue?” – How close are you getting to your cat?? If you’re dumb enough to put your face that close to a vicious, murder-plotting feline then I don’t want to hear what you have to say anyways.

“Butter them up.” – Yeah, if you want Newman to eat them. Butter is good for bread and noodles and bagels and cooked vegetables and baked potatoes and pretty much anything else, but not for humans. Take a lesson from Kramer and cool it on the spread, dumbass, you’re setting yourself up for dry toast and regret.

“Don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater.” – I’m sorry, WHAT??? Parent of the GD year over here. Did this actually have to happen in order to create this saying? Who made this up? I pray to Oprah Winfrey that this person did not have children.

“On it’s last legs.” – Not everything has legs. Major flaw. Also, I’m pretty sure the legs I have now are my first AND last legs. How many legs do I get? Actually there’s science so maybe by the time I lose a leg I’ll be able to get a new one. Whatever, still dumb.

“More than you can shake a stick at.” – Why do you have a stick? You just get excited when you see a large amount of something and start shaking sticks at things? I am much more likely to wave my arms, legs, or bottle of wine at something when I’m excited.

“Faster than two shakes of a lamb’s tail.” – There are so many things faster than two shakes of a lamb’s tale. It should be “faster than Kyla will return your high-five” or “faster than Kyla will make a dirty joke.” Cause that would impress the shit out of me. Also, why is everyone shaking things. Cool it.

“Rubbed me the wrong way.” – Don’t rub me at all.

There was probably a point in time that these sayings made perfect sense, but 2016 is not that time. 2006 wasn’t even that time. 1996 probably wasn’t either but I was only three so what the hell do I know. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying the phrases my generation uses make any damn sense either, but at least I know where they came from.

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Me in NZ with a couple of lamb’s tails. They were slow.

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