RANT: Flipping Me The Bird Will Get You Nowhere.

I was driving a friend to the Victoria Inn this morning around 9:30 and found myself in stand-still, three-cars-per-light, person-next-to-me-watching-me-sing, is-that-a-cop-oh-shit-it’s-a-cop, how-the-hell-am-I-going-to-switch-lanes, can’t-see-anything-around-these-damn-semis, might-be-late-for-school, OH-MY-GOD-PULL-UP-CLOSER, OH-MY-GOD-GET-OFF-MY-ASS-I’M-AS-CLOSE-AS-I-CAN-GET traffic.

Horrendous.

And at 9:30? What the hell is everyone doing on Route 90 at 9:30 in the morning?!

Probably driving their friends to the Victoria Inn, but whatever.

So as we crawl South inch by inch, I see that the right lane (that I’ve literally just switched into, sorry green Caravan) is ending about a block ahead. Luckily Winnipeg drivers had their heads on straight this morning (I was probably the biggest dick out there) so there was no aggressive zipper action happening at the end of the curb lane, but that is rarely the case.

Y’know when there’s construction on Lag or Hendy or whatever and it’s been there for like a month (naturally) and you KNOW that everyone in the area has definitely encountered it before and yet there’s STILL those assholes that will drive right up to the end of the lane and try and sneak in?? I definitely never let those people in, and I will usually laugh at them as they curse my little red Cobalt with the shark teeth where the spoiler used to be.

But my brother-in-law, Dale, has got me beat.

He’ll make eye contact, smile, build a friendship, and wave the unsuspecting sucker in with the warmth of a Bible salesman then ROLL DOWN HIS WINDOW AND YELL AND POINT AND SCOLD AND NOT LET THEM IN.

This is probably one of my favourite things about him. The public shaming of assholes mixed with road rage, a (heavy) sprinkling of course language, and the element of surprise is definitely something I can get on board with. I would watch a TV marathon of anything that can promise me these four things.

So, if you are one of these self-entitled goons that thinks you are above the common courtesy of the zipper effect, I invite you to swan dive into the shallow end of an outdoor swimming pool in the winter.

Thank you.

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4 thoughts on “RANT: Flipping Me The Bird Will Get You Nowhere.

  1. Dude, i think we need to have a sit down on what the zipper effect is. Logically both lanes should be filled with cars all the way to the merge and the 2 lines alternate. This makes a 2 km line of cars only 1 km long. Wasted pavement. 😊

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  2. Ok but what if you are just an idiot (which I often am) and don’t get that the lane is closed and just think that its some dumbass turning (which on my route it often is) and backing up the entire lane? Then you get up there and realize the lane ended and now you’re at the mercy of some Friendly Manitoban (which is why Dale lives in SK) to do the right thing and let you in. I often wonder if the spike in one’s blood pressure (aka Road Rage) is worth it. I, being the Friendly Manitoban that I am, look a those idiots (me) and feel sorry for them, relax, smile and let them in.

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