RANT: Clowns.

Okay, not actual clowns.

I’ve found that recently there’s been a heavy influx of “contouring” videos popping up on my Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook feeds. And, let me tell you, I want nothing to do with it. Simply watching them is exhausting, never mind actually putting in the work. To be completely honest, they freak me out a little bit.

Who has the money to spend on 18 different shades of powder made from coffee beans hand-ground by the Queen of England and magic fairy dust extracted from Tinkerbell’s used Kleenex? Not I. I also don’t have the patience, hand-eye coordination, or concentration to spend two hours every morning smearing shit on my face so my cheekbones look sharper than J Bieb’s.

(Why didn’t I just pick a girl? I don’t know.)

The worst part is they suck me in with the first step, which usually looks fairly simple. Couple dots of foundation here and there, a smear of concealer, duck face into the camera lens and you’re on your way.

WRONG. FOOLED YOU. GET OUT THE TOOLBOX CAUSE WE’VE BARELY STARTED.

YOU NEED WHITE PAINT, BROWN POWDER, THREE TUBES OF CAULKING, A LITRE OF LIQUID GLITTER, HALF A BUCKET OF PRIMER, CLEAR NAIL POLISH, BLACK SHOE POLISH, CAR POLISH, SURFBOARD WAX, GIRAFFE SPIT THAT DRIES MATTE, BABY PUKE TO MOISTURIZE, BENJAMIN MOORE PAINT IN GLOSSY, SUPER GLOSSY, AND SO-GLOSSY-IT’LL-SCARE-YOU, TREE SAP, PORTABLE VALENCIA FILTER, ONE CONTAINER OF BETTY CROCKER SPRINKLE ICING, SIX OREOS FINELY CRUSHED IN A MORTAR AND PESTLE FROM INDONESIA, HOT FUDGE, EXTRA PEANUTS, TWO CHERRIES, HALF A BANANA, CHANGE MY MIND NO PEANUTS, EXTRA CARAMEL and blend lightly with a big, fluffy brush.

Wtf, ladies.

I’m not hating on those that actually do this, cause yes you look fierce, the entire process is just violently overwhelming to me. (I also wear men’s clothing every day and only brush my hair once a week, so maybe, definitley, I’m not the authority on this. Or really in any position to speak on it at all. Ever. Sorry.)

This is how I assume my face would turn out if I attempted this business, facial expression included.

6193252396_17dbd527eb_b.jpg

(Thank you to Hannah, @dairyduchess, for the picture, and for making me cry all of my mascara off by tweeting it at me four minutes before class started. And sending it again later. In the middle of a work period.)

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