Throwin’ Zs — Not Catchin’

Whether it’s my infatuation with the moon, my complete and utter lack of respect for the effects of caffeine, or my unconditional love for late-night vacuum infomercials, I am awake a LOT.

I’m currently operating on a sleep schedule of about 11:30 P.M. to 4:00 A.M., but that four and a half hours usually wiggles around anywhere between 11:00 P.M. and 8:00 A.M. Even on the weekends that I don’t go out (rare, but still) I’ll try to call it a night early and/or sleep in the next morning, but I max out around five hours of shut-eye.

As you can imagine, this is a pretty nifty little skill when it comes to school. Aside from the fact that I often look like I’m about 17 seconds away from a complete nervous breakdown (four cups of coffee a day will do that to a girl), I can get hella work done in the 20 hours I’m awake. Play with my dog, watch a season of The Office, make a bomb ass breakfast sandwich, play with other people’s dogs, write a screenplay, star in a Selena Gomez music video in my bathroom, make a video montage, lose five games of cribbage — the possibilities are endless.

Sometimes I overhear people say they only got six hours of sleep the night before and I’m like “damn, you lazy bum.” More often than not, they’re actually complaining, which seems ridiculous to me, so, naturally, I judge them immediately.

Who needs more than five hours of sleep? Are you a sloth? A koala bear? Look alive! Sure, the constant, violent shake of my hands has freaked out a person or two over the years, but as long as you keep me away from hot beverages (thank Yeezus white wine is best served chilled) you’ll be safe. My regular attacks of the giggles due to being over-tired have earned me a bit of a reputation around town, but I’m okay with it. Keeps people on their toes, you know? There’s no telling what sort of sleep-deprived hysterics I’m going to burst into. I’m like a more obnoxious version of a Jack-In-The-Box.

And yes, I would love to be seen with you in public. Thanks for asking.

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